Before we go ahead and get into how to get your ex to forgive you, let’s kind of get a little bit of background on what you might be experiencing when it comes to apologizing with your ex.
So oftentimes if you have gone through a breakup with your ex, you might have already tried apologizing to them.
You already may have tried promising that things are going to be different, but maybe they’re not taking it. Maybe they say, I can’t believe you.
Maybe they say, I wish you would have said that a month ago, two months ago, three months ago, a year ago, whatever.
What is going on here is that your ex is acting in a way where they are behaving with consistency towards their previous actions, right?
So they’ve already gone through the process of breaking up with you.
They’ve already mentally made that decision in their mind and then they went ahead and they broke up with you and so they’ve already convinced themselves that they are better off without you than they are with you.
So if you just simply apologize to them, if you simply just say, Hey, I’m sorry, Hey, let’s give this another shot. Hey, take me back, please.
They are going to be a little bit skeptical of that and they’re going to be a little bit resistant to that.
Okay?
Oftentimes when people do this sort of apology, what happens is they don’t even really necessarily know what they’re apologizing for.
Even if they do know what they’re apologizing for, they’re not saying it in a way where their ex is actually going to take it and really soak it in and accept it and be able to move forward past, you know, whatever may warrant the apology.
Before we go ahead and get into how to apologize to your ex, let’s just talk about if you even need to.
TL;DR
- If your ex will not accept your apology, they are usually acting consistently with their decision to break up, since they have already convinced themselves they are better off without you.
- A quick “I’m sorry, take me back” meets skepticism, especially when you do not really know what you are apologizing for.
- If you genuinely do not think you did anything wrong, do not apologize: it will come across as hollow and forced, an attempt to get back to the status quo.
- To get your ex to forgive you, connect the actions that hurt them with how those actions made them feel, own your part, and reflect their experience back to them with empathy.
- If something you did genuinely hurt them, you have to apologize, because no relational skill and no pressure to take you back will work while they are still holding onto that pain.
First of all, oftentimes when we work with people, they are looking for something to do to get back together with their ex, right?
Owning your part takes humility, which ties into why asking for help is hard for men.
They’re looking for something that they can say, something that they can send to them, something they can text to them or something that’s just going to kind of get things moving and they will often take some of our advice when it comes to apologizing to their ex and use it because they think, well, hey, you know, I’m not back with my ex.
I might as well apologize, but I’m here to tell you today that you may not need to apologize to your ex if you genuinely don’t think that you did anything wrong.
If you genuinely don’t think that you did anything wrong, then there is no need to apologize to your ex because number one, you don’t know what you’re apologizing for.
And number two, even if you did apologize for something, it wouldn’t come across as very authentic
It would come across as hollow, as forced, as just kind of going through the motions, hoping to smooth over this disagreement that the two of you are having so that you can get back to the status quo, right?
And that is not going to convince your ex to want to work together with you to put the past behind the two of you so that the two of you can have a new beginning together.
With that being said, how do you go about apologizing to your ex?
How do you get your ex to forgive you?
If you get a second chance, our guide on how to be a good boyfriend helps you keep it.
And the answer to that is that you have to really connect your actions that upset your ex, that caused your ex to feel a lot of hurt or pain in some respect.
You have to connect those with how it impacted them and how it made them feel.
You have to really own what happened and you have to own your part in it and you have to kind of imagine what your impact on them may have been.
This is where empathy really comes into play. This is where some of those advanced relational skills really come into play.
You have to be able to project a little bit onto your ex. What you think their experience might have been and you have to take that in and you have to reflect that back to them and if you can do this in a way that allows them,
- To understand and to really get that you had an impact on them that you did not want,
- That you regret it and would do it differently if you could. That can start to help them let go of the pain, the hurt and the bad feelings that they’re holding onto,
- That they’re maybe suffering with right now and holding against you and it will allow them to start to put those behind them.
Reopening the conversation matters, see our guide on how to text a girl.
Okay?
Because first of all,
You really have to apologize to your ex if something that you did genuinely hurt them
Otherwise, no amount of advanced relational skills and no amount of trying to coerce them to take you back will work.
No amount of trying to connect with them on an emotional level is going to work because they’re still going to really be holding onto that pain, that hurt, that frustration, that baggage, that history from what happened between you before, and you’ve got to really acknowledge that you hurt them in some way and acknowledge that you had an impact on them that was maybe less than desirable.
So that is how to get your ex to forgive you. That is how to apologize to your ex.
FAQ
How do you get your ex to forgive you?
Make a specific apology, not a generic one. Connect what you did with how it made your ex feel, own your part in it, and reflect their experience back to them. Researchers at Ohio State University found that acknowledging responsibility is the most important part of an apology.
Will my ex forgive me?
Maybe, but not for a quick “I’m sorry.” By the time someone breaks up with you, they have usually convinced themselves they are better off without you, so a simple apology or a promise that things will be different meets skepticism. An apology that shows you understand the hurt is what can start to change that.
How do you apologize to an ex for hurting them?
With empathy first. Imagine what your actions felt like from their side, say it back to them, and make clear you regret the impact and would do it differently if you could. As Psychology Today puts it, if you can’t put yourself in their shoes, your apology will ring untrue.
Should you apologize to your ex if you did nothing wrong?
No. If you genuinely don’t think you did anything wrong, you don’t know what you’re apologizing for, and the apology will come across as hollow and forced. Your ex will read it as an attempt to smooth over the disagreement and get back to the status quo, which won’t convince them to start over with you.
