Sexual intimacy with your partner can be a profound and deeply personal experience. It can foster pleasure, satisfaction, and an emotional connection that strengthens your relationship.
But maintaining romance takes effort, and it’s not without its obstacles and challenges. In a world increasingly fixated on ideals, the weight of expectation can cause performance anxiety in the bedroom.
Performance anxiety is a multifaceted issue that can take time to understand and overcome. Below, we’ll explore what causes performance anxiety, how to identify and conquer triggers, and most importantly—how to find your confidence and fully enjoy intimacy again.
What Causes Performance Anxiety?
In sports, the pressure to perform can cause nervousness, hesitation, and for you to be far from your best. Performance anxiety can affect you in a similar way when it comes to intimacy. Focusing on how you are evaluated by your partner and what’s expected of you during sex can pull you away from the moment and dampen your arousal levels.
Fear of Judgement
Researchers have found that one major cause of performance anxiety is the fear of failure, evaluation, and subsequent judgment. {{1}} Being judged poorly by your partner can have harsh consequences like rejection and feelings of inadequacy.
The fear of judgment may stem from a past experience, or it may be caused by focusing excessively on the result instead of the process of intimacy. To ease this fear, it can help to express how you feel to your partner. Rejection and criticism become less intimidating when both parties know each other’s concerns, fears, and desires.
Self-Esteem and Self-Image
Self-image and self-esteem often go hand-in-hand. Having a negative perception of your own appearance, including any concerns about height, weight, and perceived flaws, can heighten your sense of self-consciousness during intimate moments.
Being self-conscious can, in turn, affect your confidence, leading to anxiety and poor performance. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you may be more likely to look for validation from your partner, starting a harmful cycle of needing to prove yourself and fearing judgment.
Societal Expectations
The way sex is depicted in the media can easily influence your self-image and confidence. The weight of societal expectations is heavy, and comparing yourself to perfect images and unrealistic expectations only contributes to performance anxiety.
If you struggle with performance anxiety, it may be worth taking the time to reflect on what society expects from you compared to what your partner wants. By dispelling some myths about how a man should perform during sex, it can be easier to build your confidence on a solid foundation of communication and self-worth.
Overcoming Anxiety by Identifying Triggers
By understanding what causes performance anxiety, you’ve already taken the first step toward confidence. When it comes to learning what triggers your anxiety, it’s important to never downplay the effects of seemingly minor things like a single thought.
Your thoughts may seem intangible, but the wrong line of thinking can have very physical effects on your health, such as is the case with psychological erectile dysfunction. Finding your personal anxiety triggers might take some time, but doing so can help you achieve significant personal growth in the long run.
Past Experiences
If you’ve been pressured to perform in bed by a past partner, relating that pressure to your current relationship can trigger performance anxiety. Other types of past experiences that can incite anxiety include breakups or divorce, which may leave you with feelings of inadequacy.
Some men might feel extra pressure to perform if they’ve experienced erectile dysfunction or a low sex drive in the past. If you’ve had previous struggles with sexual dysfunction, the fear of recurrence can be very difficult to bear.
Personal Insecurities
A wide range of personal insecurities can exacerbate anxiety, and it is essential to address them with your partner or a professional for a healthier sex life. Some men are taught to hide insecurities, but avoiding the problem often allows it to fester, eventually causing more problems down the line.
Whether it’s body image insecurities, fear of judgment, or negative experiences in the past that make you anxious thinking about intimacy, identifying your triggers will give you a better and more concrete idea of how to conquer performance anxiety.
How to Find Your Confidence
Now that you have an understanding of performance anxiety causes and triggers, it’s time to delve into steps you can take to rediscover your confidence. In this section, we’ll cover three powerful ideas that can help dissolve anxiety when taken in stride—positive self-talk, self-acceptance, and realistic expectations.
Positive Self-Talk
Research has shown that self-talk can benefit emotional regulation and help regulate anxiety. {{2}} But the contents of your internal dialogue make all the difference. Because your internal dialogue is constant and ongoing, what you say to yourself can easily consolidate into your beliefs.
As an anxiety management tool, positive self-talk involves being aware when you are stuck in a negative narrative and switching, or flipping, that thought into a positive one. As with any skill, starting out can be difficult. As you develop this skill, it will become easier to practice positive self-talk.
Some examples of negative self-talk:
- I’m out of shape and unattractive
- I’m going to disappoint my partner
- I’m not good at sex, and this is going to be a bad experience
Examples of how you can flip these phrases into positive self-talk:
- I am working towards my health goals, and my partner will appreciate my efforts
- Relationships are a two-way street, and I will communicate my fear of inadequacy with my partner
- Intimacy is an exploration and a journey. I am willing to learn and improve
With time, the beneficial effects of positive self-talk will compound, improving all aspects of your life.
Self-Acceptance
Along with positive self-talk, self-acceptance is essential for reducing performance anxiety and becoming your most confident self. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison, especially when perfect standards are constantly portrayed in the media.
By practicing self-acceptance, you’ll be able to show yourself compassion when you aren’t where you want to be yet, and you’ll also be able to embrace your true self to maximize connection and enjoyment in the present moment.
The most effective way to start practicing self-acceptance is by taking time to acknowledge your strengths. Focus on your wins, your talents, and your achievements. Recount the obstacles you’ve overcome in your life to get to where you are. Doing so will help you see a complete picture of yourself and shift the focus away from only the negative.
On top of shining the spotlight on your strengths, it’s just as important to embrace your imperfections. Growth is only possible when you embrace all aspects of yourself, and you’ll find intimacy to come much more comfortably when you appreciate the journey instead of striving to be perfect.
The Importance of Professional Help
In your day-to-day, practicing positive self-talk and self-acceptance will go a long way in helping you regain confidence and enjoy intimacy. Remember, the benefits of nurturing the mental aspect of your sexual health will add up. And, on your way, don’t forget to take the time to celebrate your progress.
If you find that the struggle of performance anxiety is too difficult to bear alone, there’s absolutely no shame in seeking professional help. Online, there are dedicated men’s health blogs that discuss all aspects of your well-being. There are also several different types of therapists that specialize in mental and sexual health. It can also be extremely beneficial to visit a relationship therapist with your partner.
Performance anxiety is a common setback for many men, but identifying your triggers and cultivating a positive internal dialogue—either by yourself or with the help of a professional—can build your confidence. Acknowledging the problem is the first step. With the right coping strategies, it is more than possible to overcome performance anxiety so that you can enjoy fulfilling intimate moments with your partner.
References:
{{1}}
David Rowland, Jacques van Lankveld.
Anxiety and Performance in Sex, Sport, and Stage: Identifying Common Ground
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6646850/
{{2}}
Junhyung Kim, Joon Hee Kwon, Joohan Kim, et al.
The effects of positive or negative self-talk on the alteration of brain functional connectivity by performing cognitive tasks
